The Schlicken Empire

The Elson Gallery

This is the story of Stingy Jack O’Lantern, told to me by my Irish grandfather, while he carved the pumpkins at Halloween. The same story his old Grandpop told at Halloween. My grandfather has long since passed away, bless his soul, and now I’m passing the story on to you.

Many, many grandfathers ago, there was a man named Jack, who was called Stingy Jack, for he was as stingy as he was cunning; a trickster a thief, and a roamer, with no home to belong to. Jack never paid for anything that he could connive, beg, borrow or steal, and he lived off the land – other people’s, that is.

One Halloween, Stingy Jack was in a tavern, looking to see who he could cheat at cards, when the devil came in. Yes, its well known that the devil walks abroad on Halloween, and where else would he drop in, but a tavern? Now Jack, recognizing the devil, thought to trick him – just for the hell of it, so to speak!

So Jack acted drunk – well, actually he was already a bit drunk, of course, and lamented loud, for all to hear, how he would sell his soul for a silver coin, to buy him a few more drinks, to get wildly drunk that night. And the devil came up to Jack, all quiet and secretive like, and told how he would be happy to oblige.

“Fine”, said Jack, “Do ye turn yeself into a silver coin, an I’ll spend it on whiskey, get as drunk as a lord, then you can turn yourself back and have my soul, for at least I’ll die happy.”

And quick as a wink, while no-one else was watching, the devil turned himself into a silver coin, because the devil is always hungry for souls.

Just as quickly, Jack grabbed the silver coin, and dropped it in his pocket. For in that pocket, he had a silver cross, that he’d stolen earlier from round the neck of a sleeping babe, while the mother was busy, doing the milking.

The devil was in agony, dropt on top of that cross, and bound to it too, because the cross stopped all of his powers, and he could not escape nor change himself back.

“Let me out of here” he cried, ” or it will be the worse for you, Jack”.

But Jack ignored the threats, and soon they turned to pleas, with the devil a begging Jack to let him go and offering to pay him for the privilege.

Now Jack didn’t need much money, because he could get almost everything he wanted by thieving, and tricking and lying and cheating at cards. But he’d lived a sinful life, and he knew he must die one day, as must we all, so he let the devil go, but only in return for the solemn promise that the devil would never take Jack’s soul to Hell….....

...And one day, years later, Jack died. One moment, he was standing there, munching on a stolen turnip and thinking what else to steal, and the next moment, he was at the Pearly Gates, still with the turnip in his hand.

Of course, Heaven wouldn’t let such a sinner inside, so the Pearly Gates were barred to him. Jack then followed the downward path, to Hell. But the devil was bound by his solemn promise, and the gates of Hell were barred to Jack as well. There was to be no resting place for Jack’s soul.

So Jack scooped up an ember cast out from the Fires of Hell, into a hollow in that turnip he’d been munching, made the hollow a little larger with his pocket knife, and made some holes for the light to come out. Then he set to eternally roaming the dark regions between the worlds, like he had roamed the earth when alive, but with his carved lantern to light his way. And thus he became known as Jack O’Lantern….........

....If you get lost in the mists on a dark night, or if it’s a new moon, you may see Jack’s lantern, wandering through the mists and darkness. Be sure not to follow, for he’s a restless and evil soul; harm would surely come to you, and you would be lost to this world.

And on Halloween, when the veil between the worlds is thin, and evil spirits roam the world, decent and honest people need to protect themselves, to ward off harm. – What better ward than a Jack-O-Lantern?

For the evil spirits fear Jack, and will be warned away by his light. Even Jack O’Lantern himself will back away. For the sight of a lantern, so like to his own lantern that burns with the eternal embers of Hell, will put the fear in him, of what he’s become.

And that is why, every Halloween, the people carve Jack O’Lanterns, from vegetables like turnips, beets, gourds or pumpkins. The lighted lanterns keep the evil spirits at bay, so maybe Jack O’Lantern brought some good to the world, in spite of himself.

[Source: shiningrise.com]

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG’S LIST

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 – 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

• Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

• Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?




• Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows – lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?




• How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults – I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them – in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful”
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way.
Classic “pump and dump.”
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

Wired Magazine recently featured a story that is the mother of all mistaken Internet identity tales, and reads like some kind of psychotic Lifetime movie of the week. Stay with me now.

Thomas Montgomery, a 45-year-old husband of 16 years and father of two teenage girls was living a pretty uneventful life in upstate New York. After spending 12 years at the same boring job, something inside Montgomery must have snapped, causing the man to live a monotonous life no more—at least in cyberspace. Deciding to log onto the game and chat site Pogo.com as a “19-year-old marine” named Tommy who was getting ready to ship out to Iraq and stood 6 feet tall, Montgomery set out to live a double life.

And live it he did, once he began talking to a 16-year-old girl from Virginia named Jessi. Jessi fell in love with Montgomery’s Tommy, talking to him for hours at night and sending him G-strings in the mail.

Sometimes, just to shake things up, Montgomery would pretend to be Tommy’s father, admonishing Jessi for making mistakes in the relationship.

Eight months after instant messaging every day and speaking on the phone, Tommy proposed to Jessi. Jessi accepted. In a bizarre New Year’s Eve resolution, Montgomery wrote “On January 2, 2006, Tom Montgomery (46 years old) ceases to exist and is replaced by an 18-year-old battle-scarred marine”.

But the only thing that really happened was Montgomery’s wife finding his secret stash of G-strings and realizing her husband was cyber cheating with a girl as old as his daughter. Being a mother, and a sane individual, Montgomery’s wife contacted Jessi and let her know Tommy didn’t exist.

Distraught, Jessi contacted a friend of Montgomery’s who also frequented Pogo.com, 22-year-old Brian Barrett, and asked him if Tommy was indeed a fake. Barret told her he was. A disappointed Jessi began messaging Barret in place of Tommy, and the two began their own online relationship.

A relationship Montgomery found out about. A relationship that angered the delusional father of two so much he (allegedly) followed Barret to work and shot him three times.

When Jessi was contacted about the crime, her mother answered for her, saying her daughter wasn’t around. But as cops pushed, they noticed something odd about Jessi’s mother. She acted strangely, nervous, like she knew something.

Turns out, Jessi’s mom, was Jessi.

The icing on this freaking weird cake, Jessi didn’t exist at all. Jessi was really a housewife named Mary, using her daughter’s profile.

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

…And I don’t think I’d ever want to.

[Source: Collegecandy.com]

“This is a real, live love drama that is almost painful to listen to.

A young guy bought a diamond engagement ring to surprise his girlfriend; before he can give it to her he discovers she just cheated on him, and then he surprises her on national radio . . . I have to admit I felt really bad both for the guy . . . and the girl . . . when I first listened to this.”

[Source: brandweeknrx.com]